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Captain o'th Black Pearl
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2,036 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.....so, I took her to a gas station... ...and that's how the fight started....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream....... ...and that's how the fight started....


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'...... ...and that's how the fight started....



My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
...and that's how the fight started....



I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'....... ...and that's how the fight started....



I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself" ...and that's how the fight started....
 

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Queen of the Night
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1,801 Posts
Well Luv, I see you are up to no good again. Enjoy it while you can. Now that you have attained the rights to fifty candles on your birthday cake you'll not be remembering the punch line for too many more years. Half way through the joke you will begin to say, now where was I going with this. Trust me....I have six more years of experience than you! Let me see now, when were we meeting for that date on Tortuga. Are you bringing the rum, or was that me?
 

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Captain o'th Black Pearl
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2,036 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
Ahhh.. 'ello me luv, 'ows me favorite saucy wench 'ay? Back from Cancun I am, fer jus' one day off from plunderin', then, set sail fer Maui I does Sunday.. then Honolulu Thursday.. droppin' anchor back in me 'ome port Saturday, fer th' rest o' th' month..

I naught be rememberin'.. were we ta meet at 6 on th' 7th, or at 7 on th' 6th.. me mind be swiss-cheesed by waaaay too much rum early in th' day.. or was tha' too much rum late in the day.. I cont remember.. I'll bring th' rum, you bring th' whipped cream an' feather... ;) Now wot say you ta droppin' tha' scallywag yer olways wit' an' sail off ta th' edge o' th' world wit' some famous pirate, ay?

Capt. Jack
 

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Queen of the Night
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1,801 Posts
Come on luv...I'd be 'appy to drop the scallywag I be with I would, but ya 'as to tell me wot one ya sees we with (hehehe)! The 6th be the day ta tickle yer fancy luv!
 

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Hauntingly Addicting
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6,068 Posts
Captain once again you have me laughing:) Thank you for that:)
 

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Registered
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510 Posts
LMAO, very funny stuff there.

Well, 10 years ago my wife had cadariacs (sp) in her eyes and had to have the lens in her eyes replaced with artifical lens.
After they healed I noticed that if the light hit her eyes at a certain angle they would glow a golden color and it looked kinda scarey.

We were set up at a flea marked shortly after that, the sun was starting to set, so I thought it would be a good idea for my wife to come out from under the tent and stand in the light so the light would shine in her eyes producing that golden color.

But, not thinking I yelled at her "Honey, why don't you come out here and scare people"

That she has never forgotten.

True story, I'm sorry to say.
 

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Captain o'th Black Pearl
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2,036 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
While on a Cancun overnite, I decided to try some different local drinks, while texting(actually emailing) one of my friends.. being funny, I wrote that "I may, or may not have slept with a Simone, coulda been Simon, wasnt sure.." The emails went thru the mail server that downloads email, and it's replies, on our home computer.. thats how the fight started..
 

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Captain o'th Black Pearl
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2,036 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
During a disagreement with the wife, she told me, "You're not as funny as you think"
I replied, "Well, you're not as pretty as you think", and that's how the fight started...

She said, "You are so much less attractive when I'm sober"
I replied "Thank goodness it's not that often"
Thats when the fight started...
 

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Captain o'th Black Pearl
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2,036 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your fina...l answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And thats how the fight started....

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A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And thats how the fight started....


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jester girl
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18,185 Posts
funnnny mt. that's the old spark. i do believe i hear hear the phone ringing. lol. and do you have the right answer for the [good ?] capt. lol

good ones capt.
 
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