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For Your Demonic Needs!
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So I've been writing a novel. Straight to the point. Its a scifi horror novel. I have decided to put a snippet of it on here for "preview". I'm not near publishing but I would like some feed back on it. By the way, I have many multiple copies and backup files with dates not only of the novel, but also of the research, plot ideas, anything of my literary work. I can prove that its my work. Even by posting a part of it on here stands as a legal public copywrite. I'm not trying to be rude. I have just been working very hard on this. I have sent the first 7 chapters to friends for preview and they have given me great feedback and positive reviews. I'm only posting a small part from it. I hope you like it. Thank you!

Lilith's Demon

From: POSTHUMANS

She looked up hoping to see Demens, but instead she saw the creature emerging from the darkness that had shrouded what had been happening. It was standing just inside the doorway where the light that was not flickering could just illuminate its disfigured shape. It was staring right at her.
“What the [edited for public viewing]!” Lilith said to herself.
The creature was grotesque. It looked like it might have been human at some point. It had discolored growths all over its body and some of them were pulsating and oozing. Its right arm was excessively muscular and severely scarred up and had dirty, yellowed hoses sticking out from under filthy, tightly wound bandages just below the elbow that didn’t connect to anything. Its left arm was thin and had old, blood-stained bandages wrapped around most of it. It had surgical scars all over its chest and stomach and strips of flesh cut away. There were claw marks going across from the right shoulder down to the left lower part of its ribs. Obviously fresh and from Demens. Both of its legs were swollen and red above the knees and its feet were turned inwards towards each other. Its head was mostly bald except for a few tufts of hair sticking out at awkward angles. There was a large dark mass on the right side of its head that was pulsating in time with a large vein crawling down from the mass to where an ear should have been. Its right eye was swollen so much it had popped out of it socket and looked like a yellowish-green ball with a black spot on top. The other eye still looked mostly human though. Its mouth stretched all the back to the corners of its bottom jaw in a weird sort of frown, and its nose was bent almost to right angle with lots of dried and fresh blood dripping from both nostrils.
Lilith and the creature stared at each other for a short moment and she felt so afraid of it. At least at first. She knew it had been tortured and abused. That much was clear just by the way it looked. She put her hand on the glass and began to cry. She cried for the creature and what it had been through and she cried because Demens might be dead. For just a moment she forgot her fear of it and just felt sorry for it... For what it had been through. It, too, was crying.
In that same moment it seemed as though it regained some sense or memory of what it once was. It stood there breathing heavily looking at Lilith longingly through its one human eye. Lilith felt like there was something familiar about it, although she couldn’t place what it was. The creature reached a trembling hand before it looked away and hung its head. It cried out in pain as it cradled its head in its hands. It suddenly turned back to Lilith and the spirit that had been there was now gone and its eye looked completely empty of all emotion and life.
Lilith’s fear returned to her as the creature roared and pounded its fists on the walls. It again held its hands over its head and screamed. Its screams just got worse and more agonized. She could see that most of its tongue was missing possibly from being bitten off. It again turned to her and lowered its hands from its face. The mass on its head had burst open. A mixture of thick, dark yellow puss and blood was coursing down its face and neck, down onto its shoulder and chest. It stood there looking disoriented for a second before it roared one last time. Just then the blade of Demens’ scythe burst through the creature’s neck sending a spray of the poor creature's diseased blood on the floor and walls. Lilith screamed briefly and jumped back upon seeing the creature’s final moment end.

END OF SEGMENT. Like I said this is a short part, but I would like to hear what you think of it.


EDIT: Okay I forgot to ask the important part. Did I do a good job describing the creature and how does its brief part come across? Thank you!
 

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It is readily apparent that you put a lot of thought into this, Lilith's Demon. Good luck with the novel.
 

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For Your Demonic Needs!
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Discussion Starter #3
Thank you Garth. I need to stop being so paranoid about my literary work. That's the same problem that kept my dad from pursuing publication. Everyone that has read my work has loved it. I admit that I would love to post some of my short stories on here for public viewing. I know that potential publishers look for works that have already gained some attention and positive feed back. Which is exactly why I want to post on here. My short stories are horror stories, and I will, of course, edit them for language purposes... If it is okay to post them on here... also. I'm not really sure where to post such things on here, honestly. I only posted this here because I thought that this would be the best place. There's a book store here in Chicago that has agreed to let me do readings of my work and will even sell anything even if its printed at home and stapled together. I haven't read anything yet. I'm putting a few finishing touches on one and putting some others through their final editing phases before I go to them for a showing. That way I have a few things ready to go should they be liked.

My main novel is actually the first of a series. In the first one, Demens (Deh~mehnz), one of my main characters, is an alien trapped on Earth and cut off from his home and family. He ends up taking charge of a girl (Lilith) who is half human and half something like him, after her mother dies and her father "abandons" her. Demens must help Lilith as she changes and protect her from her father and the people he works for, all the while trying to gather up all evidence of his kind on the planet and to find some way of contacting his kind. That's just the first book.
 

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You're welcome, LD. I can relate to the lack of trust, so no explanation is needed. If you are being given the opportunity to do readings, go for it, as that sure as hell cannot hurt your cause;)
 
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