Off the guest list

1287 Views 8 Replies 6 Participants Last post by GodOfThunder, Sep 4, 2015

melissa

Discussion Starter · Aug 14, 2015

We had a situation last year that has gotten someone stricken from future guest lists. For some folks, it might not have been that big a deal, but our parties are small and his stunts almost ruined my mood.

RSVP'd yes, but never actually opened or read the invitation.
Figured that since invited child couldn't make it, he could bring his current playmate. This might not be an issue for bigger parties, or people with different sensibilities (?) but I'm really uncomfortable with strangers in my home, and as stated above, the guest list is small, more like a dinner party. We don't send "+1" invites.
"Asked" hub's permission to bring guest just a couple of hours before the party (more like, hey, I'm bringing so-and-so, okay?). Put on the spot, he didn't disagree.
If the poor thing had actually come, she would have been so confused. Because he didn't READ THE INVITATION, he didn't know that it was a zombie-themed party (even though it said so in the save-the-date). She had a really cool costume planned, but it was as a character from a TV show. This isn't on her, it's on him - subjecting his date to that awkward feeling - we wouldn't have said boo, but I'm sure she would have noticed!
Because he didn't read the invitation, he didn't know what time it started. We aren't sticklers for on-time, but calling 2 hours after the party started to find out when it started? (He still hadn't opened the invitation, which was, supposedly, on his fridge door.)
Kept PMing hub on Facebook to ask if they should still come and got upset b/c hub wasn't sitting at his computer all night.
7-8 hours after the party started, sent another message asking if they should still come.
Finally admitted that he never intended to come.

I have a feeling this is tame by comparison to some other experiences. What's gotten people cut from guest list?

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Gym Whourlfeld

· #2 · Aug 14, 2015

Reminds me of an exercise video where the leader says"Don't phone it in!" (Doing the exercise)
If your party was a big party,maybe this guy and the way he acted, would not have been such a big deal. I feel he is a "Rope",and you can't Push a rope!
When I had Murder Mysterys here people were supposed to read their scripts Before they walked in the front door, some tried to read them AS they were walking in-this never worked well either. ("GRRR!)
Getting adults to "Play" is almost as difficult to get them to show upon-time!
They were paying ME to be here doing this. I provided their scripts, the house (My Haunt) and of course had to babysit some of them for the next 90 minutes!
Very frustrating!
I know not what "Hoop" this person of yours could ever jump-through to reestablish himself with you and yours. I would say none and then be happier and wiser for it.

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offmymeds

· #3 · Aug 14, 2015

Wow, what a jerk and I wouldn't worry one bit about not inviting him again.

This is how I make cuts

If I invite you a couple of years in a row and you no show, I take you off my list
if you respond after the party has happened and say "oh I thought it was this week or last week or whatever" means to me you never even looked at the invite and no you will not be invited again - and yes this has happened a couple of times

I never have a problem with guests bringing someone and we never seem to have problems with someone getting totally smashed or out of control or fights.

I've got my core list of people and now I'm just trying to decide who else would like to come

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dawnski

· #4 · Aug 14, 2015

Kind of appropriate for our forum, you've been the victim of ghosting. I recently learned about this. Originally it referred to relationships, but now people are ghosting everyone. Basically its people who pretend to sound interested in you or your event. They go through the motions of interest and then never show up. This person never intended to go. To cancel puts him in a negative light (to himself) so he kept stringing you along. This way he doesn't have to feel like he did anything wrong. Now it's just a miscommunication on your end. No one PMs on FB when they know the host is having a party. He was hoping you guys wouldn't see until the next day and feel bad that you missed him. Made sure to feel indignant so it would be on you, not him. Do not waste your time or frustration on this guy. Write him off and feel good about it.

Psychology of ghosting https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...ookPost&utm_medium=FBPost&utm_campaign=FBPost

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melissa

Discussion Starter · #5 · Aug 15, 2015

Gym Whourlfeld said:
Reminds me of an exercise video where the leader says"Don't phone it in!" (Doing the exercise)
If your party was a big party,maybe this guy and the way he acted, would not have been such a big deal. I feel he is a "Rope",and you can't Push a rope!
When I had Murder Mysterys here people were supposed to read their scripts Before they walked in the front door, some tried to read them AS they were walking in-this never worked well either. ("GRRR!)
Getting adults to "Play" is almost as difficult to get them to show upon-time!
They were paying ME to be here doing this. I provided their scripts, the house (My Haunt) and of course had to babysit some of them for the next 90 minutes!
Very frustrating!
I know not what "Hoop" this person of yours could ever jump-through to reestablish himself with you and yours. I would say none and then be happier and wiser for it.

I cannot imagine paying someone to organize a party like that and then treat it like homework - cramming on the way in!

This person...I'm quite content with saying "nope, he's not ever invited again." I was telling my stylist about it this afternoon & she had the best comeback (if he actually asked): he didn't make it to the safe house during the apocalypse, and the zombies got him, so we couldn't invite him.

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melissa

Discussion Starter · #6 · Aug 15, 2015

offmymeds said:
Wow, what a jerk and I wouldn't worry one bit about not inviting him again.

This is how I make cuts

If I invite you a couple of years in a row and you no show, I take you off my list
if you respond after the party has happened and say "oh I thought it was this week or last week or whatever" means to me you never even looked at the invite and no you will not be invited again - and yes this has happened a couple of times

I never have a problem with guests bringing someone and we never seem to have problems with someone getting totally smashed or out of control or fights.

I've got my core list of people and now I'm just trying to decide who else would like to come

Thanks for this. Sometimes I wonder that I'm being too sensitive, but then I remember how he was that whole night and think again. It's good to hear what others' criteria are.

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melissa

Discussion Starter · #7 · Aug 15, 2015

dawnski said:
Kind of appropriate for our forum, you've been the victim of ghosting. I recently learned about this. Originally it referred to relationships, but now people are ghosting everyone. Basically its people who pretend to sound interested in you or your event. They go through the motions of interest and then never show up. This person never intended to go. To cancel puts him in a negative light (to himself) so he kept stringing you along. This way he doesn't have to feel like he did anything wrong. Now it's just a miscommunication on your end. No one PMs on FB when they know the host is having a party. He was hoping you guys wouldn't see until the next day and feel bad that you missed him. Made sure to feel indignant so it would be on you, not him. Do not waste your time or frustration on this guy. Write him off and feel good about it.

Psychology of ghosting https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...ookPost&utm_medium=FBPost&utm_campaign=FBPost

Just reading your post reminds me of a "friend" who did this to me ALL of the time. I finally confronted him and he admitted that he never intended to go on the trips we'd planned, but it seemed easier (for him) to wait until an hour before we were to leave and give some excuse.

This guy, though, I don't know if he was ghosting, but he was manipulative and is usually inconsiderate. He seems to call the house phone (which we don't really use and he knows it) or sends a PM on FB rather than call hub's cell whenever he needs "I tried contacting you" as an excuse. I guess that qualifies as ghosting, at least to some degree. It's a really interesting concept!

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BekkiM

· #8 · Sep 1, 2015

Totally with you...

My Halloween party is a sit-down dinner for 12-18 people, multiple courses that I plan out weeks in advance. I spend days preparing for this thing (for this year's party, I'm already neck-deep in casting doll's heads and figuring out an appropriate menu). Two things have gotten guests stricken from the list:

1) No-showing after RSVPing. Seriously? I've spent a lot of money preparing food that I will throw away because you didn't bother to show up (or even call).
2) Getting so drunk at dinner that you're face-first in your second course and have to be taken home before dessert. Yeah, I serve alcohol. And, yes, we're all tipsy - but that's a long way from falling out of your chair. And even then I might turn a blind eye if I got an apology call the next day.

I did have a crasher one year (the year I did a 7 course, black-and-white dinner for 18 people), but she was one of my best friends who had moved out of state a few months before Halloween and I was heart-broken that she was going to miss my annual party for the first time in years - so when she rang my doorbell that morning, I couldn't have been happier.

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GodOfThunder

· #9 · Sep 4, 2015

offmymeds said:
If I invite you a couple of years in a row and you no show, I take you off my list

if you respond after the party has happened and say "oh I thought it was this week or last week or whatever" means to me you never even looked at the invite and no you will not be invited again - and yes this has happened a couple of times

I never have a problem with guests bringing someone and we never seem to have problems with someone getting totally smashed or out of control or fights.

I've got my core list of people and now I'm just trying to decide who else would like to come

THIS! I whack them if they just no-show a few times. Schedules are admittedly tough to coordinate, but hell, it's frustrating when someone never comes. Or says they are a "MAYBE" but always flake out.

Thanks to eVite, you can always tell if someone's looked at it or not. Makes the cutting easy! But basic courtesy is sometimes irritating when planning parties. I'm generally also good for unexpected +1s.

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