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It's a trick. Get an axe.
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2,323 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I don't usually laugh out loud at e-mails, but this one is hilarious, y'all GOTTA read this. :D It was forwarded from a friend, I don't think she'd mind me sharing it with y'all... ;)

Here goes....

This is an actual account as relayed to
paramedics at a chile cook-off in New Mexico .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those
of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is.

They actually have a Chile Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza .

Judge#3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL . (Do you know Frank, CMG? ;))

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy;
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the score card notes from the event:


CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the h*** is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILE
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILE
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t-faced from all of the beer.


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
look HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chile using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about
judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.

CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
hot chili?

Judge # 3 -- No Report
 

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Oh gosh! I laughed my butt off! Thanks for this! I really needed a nice pick-me-up after looking at my 401k.
 

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It's a trick. Get an axe.
Joined
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2,323 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
Oh bless your heart, you did need a good laugh didn't ya? Jeez....I'm not really counting on any 401K action myself..just like there won't be a dime of social security left for us, either...Dang, I need to read the above again now. It's either that or go take my sorrows out on those dark chocolate M&M's on our kitchen counter. ;-)
 

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Reaper Guardian
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2,041 Posts
I'm not really counting on any 401K action myself..just like there won't be a dime of social security left for us, either...Dang, I need to read the above again now. It's either that or go take my sorrows out on those dark chocolate M&M's on our kitchen counter. ;-)
You'll have something in your 401K when the time comes -- you both will. The advantage of being young...while I tend to be a little more pessimistic about the current situation (I don't think this'll be over quickly, like some do, for instance), we WILL get through it, and be stronger on the other end...just like we always do.

Having said that, any excuse to partake of dark chocolate M&Ms should be exploited to its fullest...pass the bowl!

Oh...as for the chili...sounds like I need to go to New Mexico!
 

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It's a trick. Get an axe.
Joined
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2,323 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
You'll have something in your 401K when the time comes -- you both will. The advantage of being young...while I tend to be a little more pessimistic about the current situation (I don't think this'll be over quickly, like some do, for instance), we WILL get through it, and be stronger on the other end...just like we always do.

Having said that, any excuse to partake of dark chocolate M&Ms should be exploited to its fullest...pass the bowl!

Oh...as for the chili...sounds like I need to go to New Mexico!

Ahhh...reading that makes me feel better about retirement, J...I always trust your opinion. :) Passin' the bowl, my friend, although you better get some soon! They're dwindlin' fast!


I love that email!

As a Chili Cook Off Veteran, it's true to life. We are "Hillbilly Chilly"
LOL...indeed, Wilbret. :D

I'm just a Chili Cook Off Veteran Participator, and ours is tomorrow...can't wait!! 300 samples of chili, here I COME!!!


ROFLMAOLOL!
OMG! I Live in Nuevo Mexico!
I Know Good Chile!
That is SOOO Dang Funny!
I even have a Chili Recipe of my own called Senora B's Nuevo Mexico 10 Alarm Chile.
Mine, well... shall we say has a "Slow Fuse." First starts out Mild, then goes right to Screaming HOT!!!
Hehehe, Hacienda..:D...I'd like to try your 'slow fuse' formula. :) I lived in New Mexico for two years (Roswell) and learned to LOVE jalapenos on EVERYTHING. I don't know what I'd do without them to sprinkle on my salads, put in my sandwiches, cover my vegetables.....night before last I dressed up my turkey burger with them. :rolleyes: Oooh, jalapenos and cayenne pepper! Mmmmmm, YUMMY!!!
 
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