Thread: Crime Scene Quotes

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Another food one...yeah I know these are not actually quotes but more like stories, but anyway.

Jim makes a bag of popcorn and is walking around eating it. He walks into the secretary's office and offers her some. She says sure, so he gives her the bag and says "dont worry, I'll make some more". He makes another bag and walks into another office and ends up giving them the rest of the bag, "dont worry, I'll make some more" He makes some more and again ends up giving it away. He makes a fourth bag, eats that one and as he is eating the last bit he walks into the office. Steve smells the popcorn and decides to go make some.

Steve- Hey!!! who ate all my popcorn?! I had four bags of popcorn.

Jim- Not me, I just had one bag, everyone else ate the rest of it.

Originally Posted by Johnson724

Trust me, we have thought about it. The thing is.....he already has bathroom issues that we just dont need to talk about right now.

lol you need this guy

YouTube- Terry Tate Office Linebacker "Cake Stealer"

"I'm trying to figure out why his nose is in the other room" Well he does have a dog "What would the dog be doing with his nose" Maybe he wanted to smell something

At a suicide

To Deputy- Why did you move the gun?

Deputy- I just spent a year in Iraq and wasnt gonna have a dead guy shoot me.

To Deputy- That happened alot over there? I mean dead guys shooting people?

Deputy- Well no, I just didnt want him to shoot me

To Deputy- Well next time you take the gun away from a dead guy, make sure you handcuff him.

Deputy- Why would I handcuff a dead guy?

To Deputy- Well if he might shoot you he might darn well try to run away too.

Deputy- Are you being sarcastic?

No, officer, I'm just trying to follow the conversation....

Originally Posted by Johnson724

At a suicide

To Deputy- Why did you move the gun?

Deputy- I just spent a year in Iraq and wasnt gonna have a dead guy shoot me.

To Deputy- That happened alot over there? I mean dead guys shooting people?

Deputy- Well no, I just didnt want him to shoot me

To Deputy- Well next time you take the gun away from a dead guy, make sure you handcuff him.

Deputy- Why would I handcuff a dead guy?

To Deputy- Well if he might shoot you he might damn well try to run away too.

Deputy- Are you being sarcastic?

lol, I like your sense of humour

You might find these funny

YouTube - Angie Barker, working mother - The Catherine Tate Show - BBC comedy

YouTube - The Catherine Tate Show - The Enigmatic Cop

Desk phone rings

Me- Crime Scene

Invesitgator- Hey have you been able to look at those fingerprints I sent over yet?

Me- The ones that look like ink blots?

Inv- Uh.....are you able to run them through the computer?

Me- No, they look like ink blots

Inv- If I come up with a suspect will you be able to use them for comparison?

Me- No, they look like ink blots

Inv- What can you do with them?

Me- I can fold them up and make them into a pretty hat, I can fold them and turn them into a pterodactyl, I can....

Inv- Ok I get it, so your saying they are no good.

Me- I'm saying they look like ink blots


I'm really not always this sarcastic, but I have my moments

This was back when I was on the road and answering a domestic call in what we call the "bottoms". Got there and the wife had left so I'm talking to the husband....

She's a republican alcoholic.

Me- Shes a what?

A republican alcoholic, she has been taking treatment but she started drinking again

Me- Ooooh.....Well since she started drinking again that makes her a libertarian alcoholic.

Dude...she doesnt work in a bookstore, she's on welfare and has started drinking again.

Me- Oh, if she is on welfare that makes her a democrat alcoholic, if she was abusing prescription drugs that would make her a republican alcoholic.

Oh okay, at least she aint a crackhead

Me- you got that right

Originally Posted by Johnson724

Not quite a quote but an example of a regular conversation in our office.

Jim - Do you remember that case where we did all that stuff

which case?

Jim - You know, we had all that stuff that we had to do.

Was it a homicide?

Jim- It was in reference to something, some kind of stuff happened.

Do you remember where it happened?

Jim- It was in reference to that thing that happened at that place. I just remember we had a lot of stuff to do.

Ok, what kind of "stuff" did we have to do?

Jim- We had to process a lot of stuff.

You gotta help me out Jim, your being a little vague. Did it happen this year?

Jim- I think so, dont you remember, that guy he was shot at that place.

Do you remember any names, addresses, dates or what kind of case it was?

Jim- No but I have the case number (In case you dont know with the case # we can go into the computer and pull the case up. So instead of just pulling the case up I had to play 20 questions)

This sounds like a variation of the one I used to get at the video store back in the day.

Customer: "Do you have that movie with that guy?"

Me:"Which guy?"

Customer: "You know that GUY?!?! The one in that (insert genre here) movie? He's in a (insert genre cliche here)....the one with that blonde girl...."

Me: "Um....no."


I also had this convo DAILY for 12 years & I'm not exaggerating that either:

Customer: "Do you have anything good in?"

Me: "No we have 3,000 movies here & they're all crap."

Yes, I actually said that but only to the really good customers. The first time I saw Clerks I KNEW someone was listening to me & understood me. When I saw the tagline was "Just because they serve you doesn't mean they like you" I knew Kevin Smith was gonna be godlike to me forever!!