Thread: Invited guest may be upset b/c kids not included

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I'm having a very small party the week before Halloween... on Sunday evening (because that's John's night off and it works out well for most of the others I wanted to invite). Only one of the invited guests has children, and I was trying to find a way to tactfully let her know that this was an adult-only party.

I know this means she probably can't come, but I wanted to let her know I was thinking of her. So, when I sent her pre-invite, I included a little note that said something along the lines of "I know this is a school night, which is probably not convenient for sitters and what-not, but hope you can find a way to come." I worked on the wording with a co-worker, because my alternative was to not invite her at all and I didn't want to make the decision for her.

So... it's been over a month since the pre-invites went out and I've heard NOTHING from her at all. I could be jumping to conclusions, since she's disappeared before (we aren't particularly close anymore... no fights, this is something she just does), but I *think* she's upset b/c I didn't invite her daughter. She knows I like the girl, but hope she can understand that it's not a kid's party. I'd planned to have a favor bag for her to take home (which I'll have to mail). I guess I'll find out in the next couple weeks, since the full invite went out asking for RSVPs.

I hope I'm reading too much into this... I didn't hear from everyone that got the pre-invite. But I'd emailed her to double-check her zip code and told her to watch the mail, so a dialog was open. I'm going to go ahead get her favor bag ready and mail it if I don't hear from her mom about a week before the party.

If I had kids, or more of my friends did, I'd TOTALLY have something separate. We'd do something on a Saturday afternoon that was lighter and less scary and didn't include alcohol.

I guess my question is this: for those of you with kids... would you rather have been invited, and have the option to come, or just not been invited at all if you couldn't bring your children?

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Melissa
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". . . he would have passed a pleasant life of it, in despite of the Devil and all his works, if his path had not been crossed by a being that causes more perplexity to mortal man than ghosts, goblins, and the whole race of witches put together, and that was--a woman." Washington Irving, The Legend of Sleepy Hollow

People do understand that some parties are for adults only. I don't think your friend will have an issue. I've been having parties for years and many of my guest have kids. It's pretty much a standard, when an invitation goes out and there is verbage that mentions adult beverages (like BYOB) people know that means it's an adult party. I have only once had someone comeby with their kid. It was an early drop through to have a look, say hello and sorry they couldn't stay for the party.

Don't worry. Generally people are pretty mature about things like this. I don't know anyone who would want to expose their kids to adult parties because of alcohol, language and possibly some very adult costumes.

Hope this helps. Have a great time!

Don't let people drive you insane when you know it's within walking distance.

Being a father myself, I've missed plenty of parties b/c of the kids and not being able to find a sitter. It is all part of being a parent! Your friend knows that and should understand that. It happens and it is not your fault.

"The last thing you will hear on your way to hell, is your guts snappin' like a bullwhip!"

Melissa,

I have children and yes, I would want to be invited. Personally, when I'm invited somewhere, there is no way I WANT to take my children. It's my time to be a woman and not a mommie. Don't worry. You did everything right. It's impossible to please everyone all the time. Just chalk it up as it being her issue and enjoy preparing for your party and the REST of your guests. Wish I was there to party with ya!

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I totally agree with Empress, I do not have any children.. Yet. But If I were invited to a Halloween Party I don't think I would take my children. And if they felt bad about it, I would throw them there very own childrens Halloween party. Empress is right, you just got to have time to yourself every now and then.


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Anything wrong with picking up the phone and talking with your friend?

everyone: thanks for the responses. I try to treat people like I'd like to be treated, but guess wrong sometimes. This time, it looks like I did it right. She might not even be upset -- I just worry about that. Until recently, we worked in the same building for over a year (met outside of work and discovered we worked for the same place!) and I almost never saw/heard from her. I made some attempts that time, and gave up, figuring she had a lot going on and it turns out she did -- all new friends and different projects. No big - we're not super close, and I wasn't sitting at home waiting for calls, but I made a joke to her a couple months ago (about the last time I talked to her) that if it got the point again where we didn't communicate for weeks & weeks it was just a sign that it wasn't meant to be. We can be friendly, and all, but we aren't meant to hang out.

randvaz: no... I'm just all about avoiding confrontation right now, what with all that's going on w/ my dad and work and finances... Plus, she has done this before -- just disappeared for months. I figure my invitation was an attempt to reopen the lines of communication, one that she could respond to at her convenience if she liked.

_________________________
Melissa
My Halloween Links Page
My album (updated 9/19/04)

". . . he would have passed a pleasant life of it, in despite of the Devil and all his works, if his path had not been crossed by a being that causes more perplexity to mortal man than ghosts, goblins, and the whole race of witches put together, and that was--a woman." Washington Irving, The Legend of Sleepy Hollow

quote:I guess my question is this: for those of you with kids... would you rather have been invited, and have the option to come, or just not been invited at all if you couldn't bring your children?

Yes, I'd rather be invited, and if she IS your friend she will understand and NOT be offended.
Melissa, I TREASURE adult things to do minus the kids. It is a welcome change not to have to deal with Dora the Explorer, Blue's Clue's Sesame street, ect; hehehehehehehe

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<center> Last night you were... unhinged, you were like some desperate howling demon, you frightened me...do it again.
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With everything else going on, I'm probably just being cynical. She is the type that keeps insisting that her daughter is practically an adult (she's 11) and wants her included with just about everything, so with so many other people I know acting like drama queens right now, I've jumped to the conclusion that she will too (luckily, I'm mostly hearing about the huge drama from other friends and not experiencing it directly). But, she has at times looked forward to the weekends her ex has visitation, so maybe she'll swing it that direction.

A side note: One of the reasons I'm rethinking the scope of next year's party (it was supposed to be extended to a bigger circle) is that there are some in my extended social circle I'm not close with who would ignore the hints/outright statements and bring the kids anyway. That's a problem the last person that hosted the parties had. There were a couple of people who just showed up with the kids (and not for a quick howdy like Elza's friends) and stayed 'til very late. These kind of people are the type that just assume that the other party guests will keep an eye on their kid(s) and they go off and ignore them for hours, while the other guests deal. Plus of course, there is the simple fact that I'm realizing that I don't much like many of these people! (I'm part of a group/club and while there are invitation-only parties, and of course as host that would be my right, it will be hard to narrow the group -- so many will expect to be invited). I'm seriously thinking about keeping it small, with my actual friends. So the kid thing is just a small part of it. Can you tell I think too much?

_________________________
Melissa
My Halloween Links Page
My album (updated 9/19/04)

". . . he would have passed a pleasant life of it, in despite of the Devil and all his works, if his path had not been crossed by a being that causes more perplexity to mortal man than ghosts, goblins, and the whole race of witches put together, and that was--a woman." Washington Irving, The Legend of Sleepy Hollow

Wow Melissa, you're worrying way too much. Don't try to cleverly word invitations or beat around the bush. You did a great thing inviting her, but make it plain and simple. This is an adult only party no children please. As Moon and Empress and others have said,we all like to get out alone once in a while. And if people show up with kids it's also very simple. You look them in the eye and say,"this is an adults only party as the invitations said, sorry but we just aren't set up to have them here this year". It's your home and party, don't let people push you around. Now go and enjoy.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls......