Thread: Feedback on some lyrics

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Well, I've been getting into my singers groove again and have been looking for people to give this one a review. It's a bit more....controversial...than other stuff I've done (it's about suicide)

I like it, for the most part. There might be a typo or two though.





"Victim"

It’s 9 PM on a Saturday night
Feeling so cold, feeling so full of fright
I got bad dreams instead of internal bliss
But not dreams at all, thoughts of what really exists

I feel the blood in my veins, each drop tells a story
Every time a drop falls, I think of my lack of glory
The blade shines through like a beacon of light
But every time is gets through all it brings is more plight

Chorus:

I need only glance out the window
I need only open the door
I need only open my eyes to see the light to realize
That I
am a Victim

More crimson falls and salt joins in too
Will any of this fall when my entire life is through?
Cause all the people at school, I know that they hate me
Not smart, funny or fly enough to be cool to them, see

They all disrespect me, ain’t happy with what I got
I changed myself for all of them, left my old self to rot
I always tried to be cool especially for all of them
You know I starved my self to 90 just so I could fit in

Bought clothing that’s mainstream and expensive, too
Got extensions and highlights for a more feminine ‘do
I’m not happy with the way that I am now or was
So more droplets fall onto my floor and I know it’s because

(Chorus)

And then I think of what else I got that sucks
Is it really my fault that my family rots?
But my family, they think vice versa on this
They don’t seem to see that my life is amiss

(slower, softer)

They ground me instead of asking questions
And they tell me of their personal lives
Is this supposed to help me, maybe?
Or is it a lie and they want me to die?

They ground me instead of asking questions
And they tell me of their personal lives
Is this supposed to help me, maybe?
(shout)Or is it a lie and they want me to die?


(chorus)

I hear a scream, it sounds so very far away
I hear 3 beeping noises but my head starts to sway
It ain’t long before a lot of sirens are heard
I hear many voices, but I can’t make out the words

And then I blacked out when I got lifted up
I watched from far away as the docs tried to help
I realise now that mom dialed 911
The docs, they bandaged me good, but the damage was done

(chorus)

(slow, as before)

A lone gravestone in the back of a yard
A small family alone, sorrow inside of their hearts
I watch and when they leave I walk over then
I cried when I read the headstone, it said:

She need only glance out the window
She need only open the door
She need only open her eyes to see the light
To realize
That she
Was a Victim

I am but a wolf inside

Well Raef, heres my review. As a 16 year old girl I would have thought that song could have been about me. As an almost 30 year old mother it scares me. I hope you don't think of suicide.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

Aww, a couple years ago maybe. Now I just look back on it as a leson for others. There's supposed to be a sort of regret from the person-whoever she is-at the end for having done it, made me feel a little better writing it. I had a freind commit suicide so it's a close thing. Still, I hate having people be all "hush hush" over the subject sometimes. I usually open my fat mouth to such subjects

I am but a wolf inside

Raef, I like the lyrics a lot, but I also enjoy gothic/industrial music so I could definitely see these lyrics turn up in a song of that nature.

I don't know if that's what you intended but it would work perfectly and where it says that it slows down, I almost could "hear" the way it would be done. Being a DJ, this is something that I naturally just do, put music to lyrics so forgive me if you had intended something else.

I could see this as a rock song as well like Linkin Park or something, either would work, but this would really make a great goth song!

Ja, I wasn't exactely planning on making this a pop song hehe.

Good suggestion-I'll look into the genre a little more; I haven't listened to it in ages

I am but a wolf inside

Raef, If your interested email me and provide a mailing address and I'll dash out a CD compilation of some of the new goth/industrial that is out there.

Beats trying to find it, that's for sure! Just let me know via email.

Ooooh...coolness! Thanks a lot!

I am but a wolf inside

I am the Mortal Google. DUN DUN DUN...

Wolfe -- Honestly, those are some really awesome lyrics. I agree with RC, I can see someone like Linkin Park doing this song. I'm really impressed with your words.

"Howdy folks! Ya like blood, violence, freaks of nature?" -- Capt. Spaulding, House of 1000 Corpses