Thread: Half man jokes needed

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hello this is one of our illusions we are doing this year. we need some half man jokes for the actor to tell the people walking by.
you know like i just got divorced and my ex got half of everything...lol

"The doctor said that I needed to drop half of my bodyweight and told me that he knew of a great specialist. This isn't what I had in mind..."

Seems like your potential repertoire may be a bit limited, but here are some ideas:

"Okay, who farted?? Because I KNOW it wasn't ME!"

"See?!?..(gestures downward).....wedgies are NOT always harmless!"

"Just a heads-up for you...NEVER trust a proctologist named "Leatherface" !"

"Damm, I knew I forgot something.....I left my ass in my other pants."


Hope these help....I'll post more if I think of any.

great stuff.. keep them coming!!!

Momma always said id forgeet my head if it wasn't attached but i never expected this!

"Nice legs... But mine are better!!"
"Walmart greeters are relentless!! All because I wouldn't get off the horse after my quarters ran out..."

Okay, round 2.

Here's a short monologue, of sorts. Or use some of these lines independently:

"Believe it or not, this started as an ingrown toenail."
" I knew it was a mistake using a doctor who advertised 'half off surgery'."
"When I woke up from surgery, I was beside myself..LITERALLY!."
"I asked the doc, "What do we do now?", and he said he's condsidering the options.....then I made the mistake of saying "Well, keep me posted!"

If your half-man sees a couple, have him ask if they're married. If they say yes, then use this line:

"Sir, I have a bit of advice you should take to heart, and trust me when I say I speak from experience..... If you and your wife are EVER in the midst of a heated argument, you should never....NEVER...tell her "I wear the pants in THIS family!" "

If someone says something smart, he could reply:

"Oh yeah? Well, you can kiss my..." (looks down, then with a sense of exasperation, says)"...GET LOST, WILL YA?!"

And here are some general one-liners:

"What REALLY sucks is, now I'm not tall enough to go on ANY of the rides at Disneyland/Disney World/Six Flags/Wally World/ etc."

"Would you be interested in buying some lightly used belts and shoes?"

"I've never been successful at ANYTHING! I just can't get a leg up on the competition."

EDIT: I responded to a post that seemed legit (although a bit odd), but afterward noticed it was a spammer. Post was deleted.