Thread: Bumps in the night...

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This thread reminds me of a comedy bit I heard once.

I don't remember the comedian, and I can't recall exactly how it went, but this is the gist of it:

"My wife woke me up and said "there's someone breaking in downstairs!". I went to the basement and grabbed the axe, ducked into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of V8 juice, then went into the livingroom. I took off all my clothes and poured the V8 juice over my head and waited for the burglar to get all the way in.

"He finally makes it through the window and turns around to see me, naked, covered with V8 juice, holding an axe. Then I bellow out, in my best demonic voice, "THERE YOU ARE !!! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN??!? I'VE BEEN WAITING HOURS FOR YOU !!!!!!"

Needless to say, there's never been a burglar break OUT of a house that fast."


When I heard this for the first time, I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants.

I myself have four little ankle bitters that howl bloody murder when there is any bumps in the night! I usually jump up really fast and throw on my old all black hoody, grab my machete by the door, have my back pocket full of XL zipties and a big roll of duct tape ready in the other hand.... By the time I ask "Hey you, wanna party?" All I ever see is a faint backside of a coward running away for dear life!

I guess I'm just a nice guy that enjoys taking things slow...

For me If I hear something that concerns me at all, I grab my baretta 9MM from under my pilow and go check out the house. I had 9 years of Karate but still grab the gun in the dark.

pumpkinhead, i love the joke

Dangit, we're a firearmy bunch, ain't we... SHHHHH! Did y'all hear that? *whispers* Pumpkinhead, go grab the V8 outta the fridge. Ter_ran, XL zipties, man, get 'em...

Scare them. I could speak or vocally make some strange sounds unexpectedly that would start them wondering? I scare people "professionally" almost every night of the year now approaching 25 years.
When I got this house there was a wacky guy around this area who also happened to be Policeman. I found out he was afraid of me because I had bought the haunted house, so.. I must be a satanist or something like that? I was never closer than probably within 80 feet to him.
So, I wonder what would have happened if I called the Police for some emergency and he would have been told to handle it? He was a real "lose cannon". I may have "accidentally " gotten shot? He seemed "nuts" half the time. (Maybe he had to be a Policeman so he could carry the gun and feel personally safer?
People 75 to 90 years old were telling me this house was "Haunted" before I bought it. Over the years many people have come forward to tell me about some of the things they or their relatives experienced here. of a strange or possibly supernatural nature, none of it resembles a Hollywood horror movie, I doubt if such extreme things ever happen?
We have had a voice call your name, singing at 2am in the wine cellar as three of us stood there with the lights all on, a ghost woman appearing here since at least 1925, doorknobs turning by themselves, footsteps running up the stairs, middle of the day, house all locked up, half a body entered the room after making all the normal sounds preceding that impressive entrance in the next room. Hair yanked, clothing pulled, orbs seen with the naked eye and photographed, things turning on and running right after you talk about them, a little girl's laughter heard right behind you, nobody, no kids here, a ghost girl kisses from ? across my forehead, ghosts seen on-camera, emf meters going nutty. No bloody headless ones, none of those kinds of things....maybe Mr. wacky Policeman just felt he shouldn't be here or give me any problems because I had something special about me to be able to live in such a place?
Scared yet? (Insert evil laugh here~)

Everyone seems to have a pet to alert us but have you ever NOT heard a noise but the pet goes nuts barking at the ceiling or another room? That always sends instant shivers down my spine because I know there is no way anyone could be in my house or attic.
A few years ago after my cat died I would see phantom ghosts of him in our hallway. Our new cat would box at the wall for hours playing with something that wasn't there. One night during this time my dog stared at the ceiling and began following "commands" he was evidently hearing cause his head kept cocking to the side like he was listening.The standard sit,lay,roll over and he doesn't even KNOW these things! It stopped soon after and I haven't seen any strange things since.

Originally Posted by Gym Whourlfeld

Scare them. I could speak or vocally make some strange sounds unexpectedly that would start them wondering? I scare people "professionally" almost every night of the year now approaching 25 years.
When I got this house there was a wacky guy around this area who also happened to be Policeman. I found out he was afraid of me because I had bought the haunted house, so.. I must be a satanist or something like that? I was never closer than probably within 80 feet to him.
So, I wonder what would have happened if I called the Police for some emergency and he would have been told to handle it? He was a real "lose cannon". I may have "accidentally " gotten shot? He seemed "nuts" half the time. (Maybe he had to be a Policeman so he could carry the gun and feel personally safer?
People 75 to 90 years old were telling me this house was "Haunted" before I bought it. Over the years many people have come forward to tell me about some of the things they or their relatives experienced here. of a strange or possibly supernatural nature, none of it resembles a Hollywood horror movie, I doubt if such extreme things ever happen?
We have had a voice call your name, singing at 2am in the wine cellar as three of us stood there with the lights all on, a ghost woman appearing here since at least 1925, doorknobs turning by themselves, footsteps running up the stairs, middle of the day, house all locked up, half a body entered the room after making all the normal sounds preceding that impressive entrance in the next room. Hair yanked, clothing pulled, orbs seen with the naked eye and photographed, things turning on and running right after you talk about them, a little girl's laughter heard right behind you, nobody, no kids here, a ghost girl kisses from ? across my forehead, ghosts seen on-camera, emf meters going nutty. No bloody headless ones, none of those kinds of things....maybe Mr. wacky Policeman just felt he shouldn't be here or give me any problems because I had something special about me to be able to live in such a place?
Scared yet? (Insert evil laugh here~)

Honestly your like an idol to me, please keep on doing what you do. I always get a laugh from reading your stories and your unique sense of humor. I've looked at renting a haunted house due to the fact of the size and beauty for such low rent. However none of my friends were like minded enough to roommate with me, and the house just continues to tempt me as it sits empty.

I walk out there with me bare mits.